the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
