i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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