She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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