Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
