I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
