I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
