Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
