the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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