I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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