I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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