Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
