i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
