College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
