He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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