Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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