Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wish you could order shots online.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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