can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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