So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
