JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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