Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
