Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
