I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
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Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
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want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.