life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
zippers are such a cool invention
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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