yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
