How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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