i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
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