i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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