i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
