You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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