I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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