Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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