I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
