note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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