Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
