My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
