all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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