mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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