everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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