you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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