I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
