I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
