her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
