we need to drink 2009 down the drain
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
