I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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