i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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