The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
