Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
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I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
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He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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