I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
