some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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