Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
