I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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