somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
