i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
