I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I AM VODKA MAN
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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