Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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