her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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