the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
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I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
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U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
God, I missed his penis.
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